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5 Emotional Vampires &
How to Combat Them
By Therese J. Borchard, Associate Editor
In the spirit of Halloween, I
thought you’d all appreciate some vampire talk. In her new book, “Emotional
Freedom,” UCLA psychiatrist Judith Orloff identifies five kinds of vampires
that are lurking around and can zap our energy if we’re not careful. Here is an
excerpt adapted from her book.
Emotional vampires are
lurking everywhere and wear many different disguises–from needy relatives to
workplace bullies. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can
make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out.
Without the self-defense
strategies to fend them off, victims of emotional vampires sometimes develop
unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings,
or feeling fatigued.
Here are five types of emotional
vampires you’re likely to encounter, and some “silver bullet” tips for fending
them off.
Vampire 1: The Narcissist.
This vampire is grandiose,
self-important, attention hogging, and hungry for admiration. She is often
charming and intelligent–until her guru status is threatened.
Self-defense tips: Enjoy her
good qualities, but keep your expectations realistic. Because her motto is
“me-first,” getting angry or stating your needs won’t phase her. To get her
cooperation, show how your request satisfies her self-interest.
Vampire 2: The Victim.
This vampire thinks the world
is against him, and demands that others rescue him.
Self-defense tips: Don’t be
his therapist, and don’t tell him to buck up. Limit your interactions, and
don’t get involved in his self-pity.
Vampire 3: The Controller.
This vampire has an opinion
about everything, thinks he knows what’s best for you, has a rigid sense of
right and wrong, and needs to dominate.
Self-defense tips: Speak up
and be confident. Don’t get caught up in bickering over the small stuff. Assert
your needs, and then agree to disagree.
Vampire 4: The Criticizer.
This vampire feels qualified
to judge you, belittle you, and bolster her own ego by making you feel small
and ashamed.
Self-defense tips: Don’t take
what she says personally. Address a misplaced criticism directly. Don’t get
defensive. Express appreciation for what’s useful. Bounce back with a massive
dose of loving-kindness.
Vampire 5: The Splitter.
This vampire may treat you
like his BFF one day, and then mercilessly attack you the next day when he
feels wronged. He is often a threatening rageaholic who revels in keeping
others on an emotional rollercoaster.
Self-defense tips: Establish
boundaries and be solution-oriented. Avoid skirmishes, refuse to take sides,
and avoid eye contact when he’s raging at you. Visualize a protective shield
around you when you’re being emotionally attacked.
